Lincoln

So far, I've spent quite a bit of time talking about me, Katie Sue Sullivan Porter.  Struggles, joys, annoyances, okay mostly struggles (No I do not use this blog for free therapy!  Or...maybe I do. :P)  This is me:

(I have purpley-silver unicorn fairy hair.  You're welcome.)


But today I would really like to talk about someone else.  This is him:

(That older gentlemen on the bottom right is my father-in-law, Niel.  He's a great person, but I will not be talking today about him--Lincoln is the OTHER him, the tiny [ish] sweet-faced one)  :D

Lincoln Jacob Porter.  Link for short.  He will be turning two soon and he's basically the most important person in the universe.  Okay, well, in my universe.

I will most likely discuss my struggles with motherhood a lot during the course of this...whatever it is, my relationship with a digital text box.  But let me set the record straight here and now: my struggles as a mom are no kind of reflection on my son.  My struggles as a mom, that I will most likely discuss a lot, are the downfalls of my own humanness, MY less than perfection ness; and as far as I'm concerned...as much as a two year old can be, my son is perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I don't live in some less-than-real world where he does no wrong ever, he has tantrums and fits and naughty behaviors just as any toddler does.  But he is the perfect kid in that he is good, and sweet, and curious, and loving, and mine.  In short, I will probably complain some...or a lot...in the course of this blogstery (that's "blog history"--I know, I'm totally a trendsetter).  But know this above all else...that my complaints are about MY downfalls as a mom, or MY less-than-ideal circumstances in life, or MY "opportunities for growth" as they may be called a la corporate review.

However when it comes to this kid, this 2 year old boy that changed my life forever when he made his "to be" existence known via a $5 pee stick, (very unexpectedly, I may add--a story for another day) he is perfection.  He is exactly what I never knew I wanted, and everything I needed to be the best version of myself.  I am grateful for him every second of every day, even at my worst or least patient moments...I am ever aware that he is a blessing I don't deserve; and yet somehow have.  I am honored to be his mom.  And I love him so much some days I feel like I physically can't take it.  So, to anyone reading, I'm sorry for the complaining you will hear me do and have heard all ready.  But if you learn nothing else about me, I hope you know...that I believe my son is the most important person in the universe.

Here are some things about Lincoln:

*He LOVES books.  Some of our most special moments are sitting together reading a book.  "Baby Bathtime" was his favorite for months, now "What I Like About Me" seems to be a big hit.  There is a mirror in the back of that book so it makes sense.

*Lincoln giggles all the time at his puppy named Goose.  Goose is more gentle with Lincoln than anyone else and they play together just like brothers.  Sometimes there's disagreements, at moments there are tears or accidental injuries, but most of the time there are giggles.

*Link obsesses over fruit snacks.

*Link's favorite t-shirt is a "Minion" shirt.  Adorable and makes him laugh.  Looks like this:

 

*Lincoln's favorite person in the world is his dad, Jake.  Second favorite person in the world is MY dad, Bumpa Slim.

*He is SO good at saying "No."  Other current favorite words / phrases are: "I didn't do it," "Hi," "Shoes," "Dog," and "Mom."

*We are working with him on talking as he's a teensy bit behind verbally.  But nothing we are too stressed about--Kids on the Move are helping us.

*He is SO good at climbing.  And stairs.  And slides.  And throwing balls.

 *He loves his buddies Will Kalmar and Jacob Squire.  He thinks he's one of the guys when they come over.

*Link's favorite shows are: Daniel Tiger, Magic School Bus, and Steven Universe.  Even mom can get behind this kind of TV--they are so fun!

*Playing with his cousin Brady is a big highlight for Link.  He also has been becoming better friends with Patrick, Brady's brother.  Lincoln and Patrick did not used to like one another, but they have come a long way!

*Lincoln is like a lot of kids and is OBSESSED with electronics.  Mom's phone and iPad are BIG hits.  Mom is okay with it when iPad is time Lincoln spends WITH mom.  This is when we cuddle and talk about things.  It worries mom though that he loves them SO much...

*Link is a big kid for his age.  Probably always will be!  But he's proportionate and usually is willing to try any new foods.  So we play at the park (we have one across the street!) and run in the yard to stay healthy as a family together.

*He loves music and loves to dance.  Beyonce has been a favorite literally since he was in the womb.  (He kicked my tummy a LOT in pregnancy whenever a Beyonce song was on--atta boy!) #teachinemyoung 

*Lincoln is a sweet boy with a lot of personality.  He can be very mischievous and sneaky too.  Like when he snitches mom's phone out of her pocket or purse.

*Lincoln is the most important person in the universe!  To his mom.  :P

#WorkingMommyProbs

 ...said no mom ever.




#WorkingMommyProbs:

*Pumping at work (not gas) - where the hell?  BATHROOM?  (Yuck)

*Breast milk in company fridge...you're welcome everybody.

*Needing to take more sick days than daddy because you REALLY want to take care of your kids when they don't feel good.  This only goes over so-so to your boss.

*Being late...because of pregnant.  And because of puking.

*Having a meeting with ALL men.  "Nope, not intimidating at all to be the only vagina in the room!  Yep I can definitely contribute a lot to the football conversation!"

*Having a full day of meetings...and you're the only female in each meeting ALL day.

*Have a meeting with all men...they go to lunch afterward (probably on the company's dime)...and for some reason you're not invited.

*For some reason being expected to be note taker at a meeting of all men.

*When do people do laundry?  Heaven forbid after what feels like ditching my kid for 8 hours I want to just play with them when I get home!  And...maybe relax with my husband after bedtime?  Insanity.

*After-work play time is really not as much "play" as you would like... because of baths.  And dinner.  And homework.  And squeezed in life lessons.

*Feeling guilty about night time adult time, i.e. dinner with friends, movies with hubby, etc. because you spent all day away from your babies.  But, at the same time...sanity requires adult play time too.

*Just working mom guilt period.

*Contemplating changing life to stay-at-home mommy status.  And then contemplating the family budget without your income.  *PANIC*

*Thoughtful childcare providers that text photos of your sweet ones mid-day...and then the inevitable jealousy that follows.

*Wondering if corporate life is worth it...until your boss gives you the shot in the arm you needed with, "What would I do without Katie?"

*Wondering if you're the mom you want to be without spending all hours at home with your kids...until they give you the kiss and snuggle at nighttime that says, "I'm glad we have this time together, mom.  I love YOU."

Mom vs. Mother

There is certain terminology that has become...over decades of use, manipulation, abuse, praise, or idolization...altered in their meaning.  Words that once were harmless or inconsequential can now be used as weaponry; and some words that were once greatly influential or robust now may float around us commonplace.

For me, two terms that have been altered in this way are "Mom" and "Mother."  While I reserve the right to change it at any time, as I'm fickle like that, my current working title for this blog is "More than a Mom, Less than a Mother."  I'll explain what this means to me.

I would never belittle the job it is to be a mom.  I always want my son Lincoln (he's two) to know without any question that the person I care about most in this world is him.  I may love my husband the most, as that partnership is the most important partnership in my life (more about that another time), but I "care" as in "take care of" my son Lincoln absolutely first.  Most of the time Jake (my hubby) can take care of himself--he's an adult after all.  But by design, I am to care for Lincoln first and foremost in his first 18 years of life.  Clothing, shelter, food, education, love, life lessons, play, hard work, God....this is just the tip of the iceberg that it is to be a mom.

All this said, for me, being a mom is not the ONLY thing I can be.  For my own sanity, and for the sake of reaching my individual full potential, it is not the only thing I am.  Personally, I NEED to recognize the other things that we as women are.  To keep in touch with me, Katie Porter, I NEED to recognize the other things that I as a person am.  For me, I am not JUST a mom.  I'm also a woman, a stage manager, a wife, a Verizon advertising coordinator, a sister, a singer, an HGTV enthusiast, a church member, a daughter, a Posh consultant, an actress, a friend, a dog owner...the list goes on and on.  I am more than just a mom.  And there are times when Lincoln's immediate needs have to be put on pause so I can focus on another hat that I wear.

This is not a matter of prioritization or balance; it's a matter of FOCUS.  This I could write another 500 words on and probably will at some point.  But to summarize, I'll give an example: for these two hours, from 3-5 pm, I am FOCUSED on being a Posh consultant, when I am done at 5 pm (firm start and end deadlines) I will be FOCUSED on playing with Lincoln and being a mom.  That time frame from 3-5 pm, Lincoln will either need to be with someone else, napping, or willing to have patience and wait 5 minutes for his fruit snack.

This is not about the argument of working at home versus not.  I happen to work as that is the financial situation that works for my husband and I; and frankly I like it--I happen to have a personality that thrives on being a working parent.  But this is just as true for my stay-at-home sisters out there.  I hope you know you're more than a mom.

Sorry about the slight tangents, I just feel I have so much to share as I haven't written in ages.  Back on topic, how does being "more than a mom" compare to being "less than a mother?"  Mother.  For me, this word is the term that has been put on many pedestals throughout history and continues to be idolized in a way that gives me some pretty intense anxiety.  In my view, it can be downright dangerous the way this word is sanctified.  The miracle of motherhood, the gift of childbirth, the wonder of adoption, the saintly god-like phenomenon it is to be a MOTHER.  It certainly sounds intimidating, doesn't it?

In my life, I can think of only 2 or 3 individuals I've known that I would categorize as a true "mother."  Perhaps this is personal psychological barrier, or some other subconscious silliness--yes, I'm sure Freud would have a field day.  But regardless, you know what those individuals I considered a real "mother" were like?  Frankly, they were some of the most connected to God people I've met.  Their patience was unmatched by most, and they have a way of setting the record straight and putting you on the correct path before you even realize how much you've strayed.  They're compasses always facing a solid due north of right vs. wrong and pillars of strength and will.  For me, that was the definition of a mother.

Being a mom is the day-to-day existence of raising children as a woman.  The in and out feeding and caring and teaching and clothing.  I can do that part (so far).  Being a mother is really more of a state of being.  A state of patience, love, and gentle direction that can only be achieved with intense prayer or years of practice.  (Probably both)  Well, that certainly isn't me.  I really really don't feel like I'm there yet.  I'd like to work on myself and aim for it.  I'd like to live up to the word "mother" in all its historical ideological sanctity, as intimidating and perhaps over-zealous as it may be.  But I'm still less than this.  I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go.  Heck, I may be dead before I really ever achieve "mother"-ly status.  But I am a mom.  And I'm figuring out how to do that best I can.  So for now, I can live with being more than a mom, but LESS than a mother.